i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Randomize
