The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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