Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i was born a porn star she said
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
