Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
