12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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