She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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