Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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