and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
