I think I died a long time ago.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
