The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize