i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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