I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
