I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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