OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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