hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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