I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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