I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
