he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
