they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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