I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
