Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
