I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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