My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
