I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
