Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
