This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
