We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
