Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
As shirtless as possible
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
