You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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