Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
