if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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