the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
