I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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