Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
