Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
