Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
