a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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