Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
