You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize