I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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