I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize