she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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