but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So apparently I’m into choking now
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