let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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