I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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