someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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