Four minutes until I can fart!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
