His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
