i permit you to call me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I sprained my soul last night
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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