im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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