Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
