And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
