You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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