I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
