This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
